It's Times Like These

In the Tree House: It’s Times Like These…

By: Samantha S. Daviss

It’s the tough times when you truly know who your friends are. We all go through life smiling, laughing, joking, and talking to one another at social occasions, parties, or just on a daily basis whether it’s in the pick-up line at school, or at the grocery store.

But it’s the times of disaster, heartache and struggle that you really know who your friends are, and it’s the tough times that makes me even that more grateful that I live in a small town and a tight community. It’s easy to be friends with people when there is no stress, or anything to worry about; but it’s the difficult times and the tears, and the times when shoulders are needed that really tests a friendship. I like to call it the “gut check moment” in a friendship. Are they willing to step out of their comfort zone to help in any way possible?

Is that person willing to sit and just let you cry? Will they be there for you and your family at the drop of a hat? Will they come watch your children for you if you call them at 6am? Will they get a food chain together for you? Will they send a collection plate around to help out with all the gas you are burning through trying to get to the hospital every day?

If you answered yes to any of those questions…then you truly have good people in your corner. And my family and I are incredibly blessed…because I was able to answer “yes” to every single one of those questions. And not to mention that they are good friends…but they are in fact good people, too. And deeds like this, in my book of life, should not go unnoticed.

I live in my little “hole” I call life, day in and day out. Between my kids, my job(s), my house, and just my normal everyday routine…I live in a hole. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love the little “hole” I have created for myself and my family. But sometimes terrible things happen in life that force you out of your hole and your routine, and it’s those times you need support and guidance from those around you.

So when those people and loved ones that you are lucky enough to surround yourself with pull themselves out of the woodwork, and their “holes” that they have precisely created for their families, and go out of their way to help you, assist you, or just be a shoulder for you…then you are an incredibly lucky human being for having been able to surround yourself with such amazing people, friends, and positive energy.

If you take nothing from a bad situation where you did need assistance and help from those around you, take the fact that the old adage rings true “It does take a village…” and “Never be too proud”. Because when you are down and need a hand, there will always be one there to pick you up, sometimes you just need to take the time to look up and reach for it.

Dedicated to:  All of our amazing family members and friends of our family who have truly rallied together to make this extremely hard time in our lives a little more bearable. I personally thank you all from the bottom of my heart, you know who you are and we are forever indebted to you for your love and support.

Heavy Hearts

In the Tree House: Heavy Hearts

By: Samantha S. Daviss

This is the obligatory column about the recent tragedies that have struck our nation in the past week. It is with an extremely heavy and saddened heart that I even need to write this column.

“The highest death toll in an elementary school massacre in the history of the United States”, one news report stated.

“Teachers shielding their children, and stuffing them in to lockers, bathrooms and cubbies”, the news continued.

“20 children dead, 6 faculty members”, the final death toll.

Why? I ask you, why should I even have to be writing about this? What on earth possesses someone to do this? To harm innocent lives, to cut their lives off before they even get started? And to take adult family members from their families too?

I know everywhere you look people say that there are 20 new little angels in heaven now. But we mustn’t forget all the adult lives lost. The mothers, the fathers, the sisters, the brothers, the aunts and uncles; that were also lost that horrific day.

And to take the lives of 20 innocent babies, because that is all that they were, were babies. They hadn’t even begun to see or enjoy their lives, or understand how much they were loved by their parents.

As President Obama stated, they will not be able to enjoy their graduations, their weddings, or even kids of their own. And why is this? Insanity, anger towards his mother, a moment of rage? I don’t know if these questions will ever be answered.

This is not a political piece, because we all have our own opinions, I am writing you to remind you that every day could possibly be your last. So remember, as my grandmother Al used to say… “Stay up and fight it out…never ever go to bed angry”.

We all hear every day “to enjoy life to its fullest”…so what does that mean? Does that mean we need to go bungee jumping off the Empire State Building, or travel through Europe while giving up our job and selling all of our worldly possessions, or jumping out of a perfectly good airplane, just to make yourself feel more alive? Personally…I think not.

Life isn’t a competition; you should be happy and blessed with what you have. You shouldn’t always feel like you have to “one up” everyone else. So your friends took an amazing trip, be happy for them, not envious. So they got a promotion…SUPER!! Let them take YOU out for drinks to celebrate—with all that new money they’ll be earning.

In my mind, having a full (and fulfilling) life is:

1)      Kissing your babies good night every night, and meaning it.

2)      Spending some quality time with your mate.

3)      Never going to bed angry.

4)      Being thankful for the job you have and the roof that is over your head.

5)      Appreciating the friends in your life.

6)      Setting aside special time with your kids.

7)      Having a little personal time; either reading, movies or exercising.

8)      Remember that unconditional love is not only given, but received as well from your kiddos.

9)      Tell everyone you love just how much they do mean to you, every single day.

10)   Always kiss each other good bye.

If you are able to accomplish all those things in one day…then you are absolutely living life to its fullest. You have set the bar amazingly high for yourself and your friends and family. If you feel something about someone in your heart, tell them right then and there, don’t ever wait for “that perfect moment” because the present is the perfect moment…after all there may not be a tomorrow, or a “see you after school today”, or “see you after work honey”.

And we all know that all too well in light of the recent happenings in Connecticut and 9/11; that there was no end of the school day or end of the work day for some. So always remember to tell those you love, exactly how you feel, when you feel it and appreciate all the things you have been given or earned.

Feet Hit the Floor

In the Tree House: Feet hit the Floor

Do you ever get out of bed in the morning and think…aahhh what a beautiful, perfect day this is going to be, or, grrrrr this is going to be one lousy day. Not hardly. When we sit up in bed in the morning, we never know what the future holds for us that day.

In fact the other morning, I got up, refreshed (well as refreshed as a mom of an eight month old can be), got breakfast ready for everyone, we were all in a great mood, and out the door we went. But as the day unfolded, one thing after another started to happen…that was bad! I can’t even remember what  the events were, but it just snowballed into a horrible day. But that is how insignificant the “bad” events were, I can’t even remember a week later.

But really, what is a horrible day? Is it running out of gas? Is it not getting to exercise that day? Is it not getting the type of coffee you want at the office? No!

A horrible day is waking up, sending your kids off to school, and your husband off to his job knowing it is going to be another productive day, maybe a little hum drum, but productive nonetheless. Then getting a phone call from the authorities, letting you know that your husband’s plane has gone down; and in an instant your life has changed. You are a widow, your children will not have their father there to rear them and teach them right from wrong; you are now in charge of and in control of every single aspect of your life, your household, and your children.

Now that is a horrible day! A colleague of mine experienced this about two years ago. But each day she manages to make her bright morning stay bright all day long. She sends out positive messages, motivational Face Book posts, and talks about her husband as if he were still with them. In fact she mentioned just the other day how her daughter wanted to make his favorite cake for his birthday (which is coming up in a few weeks); and with a smile and a wink of encouragement they did just that. Their Daddy and husband is still very much a part of their lives.

Even though my colleague has managed to pull herself up by her boot straps and move on and find love again. She still includes her late husband in every aspect of their daily lives, so he is not forgotten by his children.

Now that to me is a reason to get out of bed every morning, to share the memory of the one you lost. So when you feel your day spiraling out of control, and you can see it is going to end up in the dumps, because you got a flat tire, or you had to wait an extra minute in line at the post office, or even an extreme measure, your car got dinged at the grocery store…just remember, things could be so much worse. Your life could be changed in an instant forever.

And as we roll out of bed every morning, we don’t know…nor will we know how that day will turn out, until it’s over. But you have to remember, to make the most out of every moment you have. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

So you got up and there are still dishes in the sink, you still have your loved ones to cook for to create the dirty dishes; so you got up and the kids left their shoes all over the house, your kids are still around to make a mess of your house; so your husband left his baseball cap, keys, and change on the kitchen counter, at least he is still there to leave his stuff around that drives you crazy.

Never take a moment for granted. Life changes in the blink of an eye. Cherish every moment.

Bells and Whistles

In the Tree House: Bells and Whistles

By: Samantha Stroube Daviss

I am a diehard romantic, don’t let me kid you. I think all relationships and marriages should be just like they are in the movies; but don’t get me wrong…I am also very much a realist too. My life has definitely thrown me my fair share of curve balls, but because of those curve balls I am all the better for life and love.

My husband and I just celebrated our wedding anniversary. Unfortunately we weren’t able to celebrate together due to work, but that’s ok; because to be honest with you this is the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I finally have the sense of security in a relationship.

My previous relationships have all but been very volatile. I always had a sense of uneasiness and lack of trust in almost all of my prior courtships. I never felt a sense of calm like I do with my husband. I guess that’s why I married him.  Upon meeting my husband I was coming out of a pretty rocky situation, and he stepped up as my friend and only my friend. But over time it obviously developed into something more… (flash forward to a happy marriage and two kids later.)

But the other day I was driving in my car just thinking and I don’t know if you ever get those feelings of joy or elation, I guess they are what you would call epiphanies. But I had one the other day, just out of the blue. My husband and I decided not to spend money on flowers or gifts or anything this year for our anniversary; we wanted to take a trip for our anniversary. And normally in the past when I have said not to get me anything, I was being your typical female—saying one thing and meaning another, then getting upset when I didn’t get the flowers or gift that I told him not to get me. Remember that fellas, when we say no we usually mean yes. Just a tip.

But this year, I really meant it, and I was not at all upset that he actually did what I said, not what he thought I was thinking, because I was ok with nothing (well not nothing, we are taking a trip to celebrate). I guess nothing tangible I should say.

But I have such a sense of peace and calmness about me with my husband it actually scares me at times. I know whole heartedly that he loves me unconditionally and I him. It is a relationship built purely on love, trust and most importantly friendship.

On a side note to that: It was funny, the other day something happened that upset me and made me very sad. So of course the first person I called was my husband. And our oldest son asked me why he was always the first person I called. So I had to explain to him that not only is he my husband but my very best friend in the entire world. He is the one person that I want to call immediately and get his opinion or just to vent to.

I think it confused my son a bit, but I told him that when you marry someone you must marry them for their friendship. Marry them for what is on the inside, not what they have or what they look like, but for how they make you feel. I think he understood, but he just kind of giggled and walked away.

But the calmness that I encountered on my anniversary, although I missed my husband, I know that we have a love and a bond that no gift or arrangement of flowers can ever match. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a girl and I still like all that stuff, but for the first time in any relationship I was satisfied just knowing I was loved unconditionally. He accepts my quirks, my flaws, and my opinions—he just loves me for who I am and all my craziness.

So I was OK not receiving all those bells and whistles that I would normally equate with how much he loves me, I just loved the fact that I am finally in a healthy relationship with someone who I can trust, trusts me, and loves me for who I am.

What Boys Should Hear from Their Mommas

In the Tree House: Things a Young Man Should Know (via Mom)

By: Samantha S. Daviss

As a mother of only boys, I thought this article to be very apropos for me, personally. So if you have a boy, expecting a boy, or even if your boy is a grown man, I thought this was a great article.

For those of you with only girls, I am sorry, I am not able to think like a “girl mom”, as my brain doesn’t work that way. My brain can only handle dirty rooms, dirty clothes, dirty socks, stinky bath towels, sports balls, bats, gloves…well, you get the idea.

As usual I read this fantastic article, but of course I am going to put my personal spin on it for you all to enjoy, from my point of view.

I dedicate this to my three fantastic boys whom I love with my entire heart and soul; you guys make my world spin.

Starting with #20….

20.       Remember to call me….I just might be missing you.

19.       Please choose your spouse wisely….for many reasons of course. But mainly because she will be the gatekeeper to me spending time with my grand children.

18.       Don’t marry too young…you may think you’re ready but you’re not. I think 30 is a great age. You’ve got all the curiosity and wonderment out of your system.

17.       It’s ALWAYS better to be kind, rather than right all the time.

16.       Bringing her flowers for no reason…always a great idea! But remember; don’t expect a thing in return.

15.       Be a good, strong, solid leader and I promise one day others will follow your example. Peer pressure is a bear.

14.       The reason they are called “private parts” is because they are private. You don’t need to scratch them or brag about them in public.

13.       No matter your age, I will still hunt you down if you don’t say “yes ma’am” and “yes sir”. They both go a really long way.

12.       Respect her…a woman can do anything you can do. And that includes a successful career while nursing and changing diapers at 3 A.M.

11.       Be strong, but love with your whole heart, too.

10.       Take pride in your work, your appearance, and your upbringing.

9.         Treat women with mutual respect and kindly. Forever is an awfully long time to live alone, and an even longer time to live with someone who hates your guts.

8.         Knowledge and education can never be taken away from you. Cherish them, and let them carry you far.

7.         Don’t ever be a bully. Remember son, you are far from perfect. And don’t ever pick a fight, you are better than that. But if someone ever clocks you….defend yourself.

6.         Pray and be a great spiritual leader.

5.         Something every young man should be introduced to. Son I would like you to meet:

                        a) The dishwasher

                        b) The oven

                        c) The washing machine

                        d) The iron

                        e) The toilet bowl brush

                        f) The vacuum

                        g) And the mop and broom

            Now please feel free to go use them at anytime.

4.         Save your money while you’re young. I promise someday you’ll need it.

3.         Always make sure you use good aim when you go to the bathroom, someone has to clean it up.

2.         You are the one that will set the tone for an intimate relationship. So know what you are doing when you are doing it…don’t take something away from her that you can’t give back.

1.                  Play a sport, any sport. Don’t let people pressure you into playing “the most popular” sport. But sports teach you how to win honorably, lose gracefully, honesty, integrity, how to work with others, and it will keep you out of trouble if you’re truly are focused.

And the one thing I, personally, always tell my boys…

You aren’t better than any one person in this world. Stay true to who you are, believe in yourself, and always treat others with respect.

However, my latest mantra to my little men is a wonderful message. And I have to attribute hearing it from a wonderful person, leader, and role model, and that is Ms. Robin Roberts from Good Morning America.

Her mother always told her to make sure her “messes left a message”. And I absolutely love that for my boys. Because that is all I want them to learn from life. They will have ups and downs, and they will make a mess of things (or have a mess made of their life for them)…but I want them to walk away having learned something from each and every situation…pull the message from it.

Boys, like girls, are complex creatures…but if they have a few straight-forward rules to lean on, it will make life and growing up just a little easier on them.

Don't Fail at Marriage (Part II)

In the Tree House: Don’t Fail at Marriage (Part II)

By: Samantha S. Daviss

Sorry for the delay, I know I promised to have Part II out on this article during Valentine’s Week, but 2 of my 3 babies, came down with strep…so my number one job kicked in, Mommy.

But I hope you enjoyed my last column on not failing at your marriage. As I said before there are so many factors that can keep a marriage alive, and so many factors that can’t kill a marriage. I think if you are aware of all (or a majority) of those factors, you’ve won have the battle. I realize there are things in a marriage that sometimes are just predetermined like adultery, abuse, alcoholism (Wow, look at that the 3 A’s)…but then there are some things that can be controlled and repaired.

So I wanted to finish off the list that I acquired, and tweaked from the article I read a few weeks ago.

Starting with #5, since that’s where we left off…

5. Don’t stop holding your spouse’s hand.

            When you first started dating and courting each other, you probably always held each other’s hands. But as time has passed and kids have entered, the need or desire to hold hands has passed. Don’t make excuses like your hand is hot or you are uncomfortable doing it in public; keep the passion alive.

            Another Angle:

            Keep holding their hand in the car, in the movies, on the sidewalk. It bodes well for you both and for your kids.

6. Don’t stop trying to be Attractive.

            Why would you stop trying? My motto has always been, once you “catch them” you have to work twice as hard to keep them and to keep their eyes from wandering. But not only do you need to stay attractive on the outside, but the inside as well…stay the course, remain that person your spouse married. Don’t become a nag, or lazy, or ungrateful. Keep “wooing” each other.

            Another Angle:

Keep your best foot forward throughout your marriage. Stay desirable. And don’t just doll yourself up if you are going out for a night on the town with friends, do it all the time…because that person lying in bed with you is way more important than those you just spent the last 4 hours with for a night on the town.

7. Don’t Always Point out the Other’s Weaknesses.

            Don’t fall into the trap that you feel it’s okay to point out their undesirable attributes or quirks, or tell them where or how they could be a better person. Remember you are NOT perfect by any means…and when you point a finger, you have three more pointing back at you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t discuss something the other person is doing that may be bothering you. Just communicate nicely.

            Another Angle:

            Don’t say anything. There is always more than one right way to do most things; and realize that imperfections of others are too beautiful to try and change.

8. Don’t stop cooking for eachother.

            When you are dating you typically cook for that person to show them you care, and that you are a good home maker and able to take care of them forever (or if you are a guy you are trying to woo her and impress her). Keep that love and devotion alive; don’t start brining in take-out or throwing chimichangas in the microwave. First of all eating out is expensive, and the other is just unhealthy.

            Another Angle:

            Make cooking a priority, do it as a couple or as a family. Use it as time spent together, not a force of nature. And remember…meat in a can is NEVER awesome!

9. Don’t yell at your spouse.

            I’m not talking about angry yelling (although that’s not good either), I’m talking about lazy yelling. The kind you do when you don’t want to get your rear end off the couch, so you yell upstairs or into the kitchen to get their attention. But that sort of yelling sounds degrading and authoritative.

            Another Angle:

            Go find them to get what you needed from them, and while you’re there…give them a kiss to seal the deal.

10. No name calling.

            It doesn’t have to be words like “stupid” or “idiot” it can be words like “stubborn, impossible, or hard to deal with”. That too is name-calling. It is hurtful and can really cut people to the core. So weigh your words before you let them fly.

            Another Angle:

            “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Best rule in the world…could be why it’s the Golden Rule. If you ever get to the name calling point…here’s an idea….call a time-out, for as long as you need, regroup and come back to the conversation. And those new names had better be “super sexy” or “my hotness”…and guess what…”I’m sorry” works great too.

And this last one is mine...

11. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

            Don’t throw idle threats around. If you mean it, then say it; but if you are saying it for a “shock factor” your bluff just might get called. Don’t throw words around like “you’re crazy” or “divorce” or “you’re not who I married”. If you want a divorce then say it and do it…that is a very serious and heavy word; don’t say it if you don’t mean it. We all lose it sometimes, that’s to be expected; and sometimes we don’t like each other, also to be expected…but that doesn’t mean you want what you have built together to end.

            Another Angle:

            Tell them you aren’t happy with what just happened. Tell them you need to talk it out and hear both sides of the situation. But don’t threaten them with divorce unless you are willing to march your butt down to the lawyer’s office and file!!

A lot of this column is from my heart. The section headers are taken from those I found in the article, but the rest is from me. So understand I am not a psychologist, just a woman who has lived life; been in the trenches, and reached the highest mountain peaks all in the same lifetime, and survived to talk about it.

Part I...Don't Fail at Marriage

In the Tree House: Don’t Fail at Marriage…    

Part I

By: Samantha S. Daviss

I read the most fascinating article the other day; and it really triggered something in my head. I realize most marriages fall apart because of financial struggles or disagreements; or because of extramarital affairs; but they also fall apart because they lack luster.

When you travel down this road, some couples make the subconscious decision that this is just how marriage is…it’s all about the kids, there’s no time for themselves; or the kids have moved out of the house so the “empty nest” syndrome kicked in. But there are no excuses for letting your marriage go by the wayside…because like I always tell myself and my husband… “If this [meaning us] isn’t working; then none of this [our family and our lives together] don’t work.”

So just remember that we all need to put as much time and effort into our marriages as we do, our hobbies, our kids, our friends, or our jobs for that matter; because after all it is the most important relationship you will ever have. And yes it does take work and effort, but so does everything in our lives, so don’t expect it to be roses all the time, if you are willing to put in the time.

Here are some key points I picked up from the article I read that I thought were helpful in general across the “marriage board”. This is definitely going to be a “two-parter”, but I thought it very apropos right here at Valentine’s Day.

1. Don’t Pressure Each Other.

Pressuring each other about anything is a recipe for resentment. You know who the person was when you married them, so accept them for who they are and their flaws. There is always pressure for someone to make more money, to not mess up in parenting, to not slip in their religion. None of us are perfect, and remember what pressure you are putting on them, they are feeling 10 fold.

Another Angle:

Celebrate your different views and compliment your spouse’s different way of doing things…remember your way isn’t always the best.

2. Don’t Label Each Other with Negative Labels.

We all get a little lazy and sometimes some of the most common phrases in a marriage are “you should have,” “you aren’t” or “you didn’t”. And it’s inevitable that each of those phrases are followed with some negativity.

Another Angle:

Try to stop yourself before you say those phrases, and switch them to “you are great at”, “you are”, and “you did”…and then follow it with something positive. The noblest struggles become far more conquerable. And you don’t think or believe that you’re a schmuck, which is always nice.

3. Don’t Skip out on Things that are Important to Her/Him (the opposite sex).

It is so easy to reason in your mind, that “oh that is lame…we can find something we both enjoy doing”. There will always be some things that the other person enjoys doing that you don’t but that is no excuse or reason not to support them. Sometimes, all we need to know is that our counterpart is there for us, with a smile on their face.

Another Angle:

When you are doing “something for them”, do it with a smile, because we know when you are miserable. And don’t criticize the event and put in your $.02 of how it could have been done better.

And my final thought right here before Valentine’s Day…

4. Don’t Emotionally Distance Yourself After a Fight.

There are so many ways you can “make up” after a fight. Don’t get your feelings so hurt and your feathers so ruffled that you miss out on those “joyous” moments you could be spending with your spouse. Many folks distance themselves after a fight for hours, even days; all communication and physical contact is shut off. Nothing is so big that you should choose to not speak to or touch your spouse…I promise. Things will never get worked out between the two of you if you shut down.

Another Angle:

Always communicate your feelings or emotions, even if it hurts the other person’s feelings for a short time. They will get over it, but they need to know what you are feeling. And always tell them how much you love them, even if things get ugly. Love doesn’t die that quickly…I promise.

As I mentioned this is definitely a “two-parter” for me, but I just thought this article was dead on and had so many valid points. So I wanted to share them with you all, during the season of love. 

But remember; when a relationship ends…take something away from it. What your flaws are, what their flaws were, where you could have improved…it’s a two way street and there are always two sides to every story.

**The thoughts and ideas were taken from an article, 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage, by Dan Pearce.