Part I...Don't Fail at Marriage

In the Tree House: Don’t Fail at Marriage…    

Part I

By: Samantha S. Daviss

I read the most fascinating article the other day; and it really triggered something in my head. I realize most marriages fall apart because of financial struggles or disagreements; or because of extramarital affairs; but they also fall apart because they lack luster.

When you travel down this road, some couples make the subconscious decision that this is just how marriage is…it’s all about the kids, there’s no time for themselves; or the kids have moved out of the house so the “empty nest” syndrome kicked in. But there are no excuses for letting your marriage go by the wayside…because like I always tell myself and my husband… “If this [meaning us] isn’t working; then none of this [our family and our lives together] don’t work.”

So just remember that we all need to put as much time and effort into our marriages as we do, our hobbies, our kids, our friends, or our jobs for that matter; because after all it is the most important relationship you will ever have. And yes it does take work and effort, but so does everything in our lives, so don’t expect it to be roses all the time, if you are willing to put in the time.

Here are some key points I picked up from the article I read that I thought were helpful in general across the “marriage board”. This is definitely going to be a “two-parter”, but I thought it very apropos right here at Valentine’s Day.

1. Don’t Pressure Each Other.

Pressuring each other about anything is a recipe for resentment. You know who the person was when you married them, so accept them for who they are and their flaws. There is always pressure for someone to make more money, to not mess up in parenting, to not slip in their religion. None of us are perfect, and remember what pressure you are putting on them, they are feeling 10 fold.

Another Angle:

Celebrate your different views and compliment your spouse’s different way of doing things…remember your way isn’t always the best.

2. Don’t Label Each Other with Negative Labels.

We all get a little lazy and sometimes some of the most common phrases in a marriage are “you should have,” “you aren’t” or “you didn’t”. And it’s inevitable that each of those phrases are followed with some negativity.

Another Angle:

Try to stop yourself before you say those phrases, and switch them to “you are great at”, “you are”, and “you did”…and then follow it with something positive. The noblest struggles become far more conquerable. And you don’t think or believe that you’re a schmuck, which is always nice.

3. Don’t Skip out on Things that are Important to Her/Him (the opposite sex).

It is so easy to reason in your mind, that “oh that is lame…we can find something we both enjoy doing”. There will always be some things that the other person enjoys doing that you don’t but that is no excuse or reason not to support them. Sometimes, all we need to know is that our counterpart is there for us, with a smile on their face.

Another Angle:

When you are doing “something for them”, do it with a smile, because we know when you are miserable. And don’t criticize the event and put in your $.02 of how it could have been done better.

And my final thought right here before Valentine’s Day…

4. Don’t Emotionally Distance Yourself After a Fight.

There are so many ways you can “make up” after a fight. Don’t get your feelings so hurt and your feathers so ruffled that you miss out on those “joyous” moments you could be spending with your spouse. Many folks distance themselves after a fight for hours, even days; all communication and physical contact is shut off. Nothing is so big that you should choose to not speak to or touch your spouse…I promise. Things will never get worked out between the two of you if you shut down.

Another Angle:

Always communicate your feelings or emotions, even if it hurts the other person’s feelings for a short time. They will get over it, but they need to know what you are feeling. And always tell them how much you love them, even if things get ugly. Love doesn’t die that quickly…I promise.

As I mentioned this is definitely a “two-parter” for me, but I just thought this article was dead on and had so many valid points. So I wanted to share them with you all, during the season of love. 

But remember; when a relationship ends…take something away from it. What your flaws are, what their flaws were, where you could have improved…it’s a two way street and there are always two sides to every story.

**The thoughts and ideas were taken from an article, 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage, by Dan Pearce.