Don't Fail at Marriage (Part II)

In the Tree House: Don’t Fail at Marriage (Part II)

By: Samantha S. Daviss

Sorry for the delay, I know I promised to have Part II out on this article during Valentine’s Week, but 2 of my 3 babies, came down with strep…so my number one job kicked in, Mommy.

But I hope you enjoyed my last column on not failing at your marriage. As I said before there are so many factors that can keep a marriage alive, and so many factors that can’t kill a marriage. I think if you are aware of all (or a majority) of those factors, you’ve won have the battle. I realize there are things in a marriage that sometimes are just predetermined like adultery, abuse, alcoholism (Wow, look at that the 3 A’s)…but then there are some things that can be controlled and repaired.

So I wanted to finish off the list that I acquired, and tweaked from the article I read a few weeks ago.

Starting with #5, since that’s where we left off…

5. Don’t stop holding your spouse’s hand.

            When you first started dating and courting each other, you probably always held each other’s hands. But as time has passed and kids have entered, the need or desire to hold hands has passed. Don’t make excuses like your hand is hot or you are uncomfortable doing it in public; keep the passion alive.

            Another Angle:

            Keep holding their hand in the car, in the movies, on the sidewalk. It bodes well for you both and for your kids.

6. Don’t stop trying to be Attractive.

            Why would you stop trying? My motto has always been, once you “catch them” you have to work twice as hard to keep them and to keep their eyes from wandering. But not only do you need to stay attractive on the outside, but the inside as well…stay the course, remain that person your spouse married. Don’t become a nag, or lazy, or ungrateful. Keep “wooing” each other.

            Another Angle:

Keep your best foot forward throughout your marriage. Stay desirable. And don’t just doll yourself up if you are going out for a night on the town with friends, do it all the time…because that person lying in bed with you is way more important than those you just spent the last 4 hours with for a night on the town.

7. Don’t Always Point out the Other’s Weaknesses.

            Don’t fall into the trap that you feel it’s okay to point out their undesirable attributes or quirks, or tell them where or how they could be a better person. Remember you are NOT perfect by any means…and when you point a finger, you have three more pointing back at you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t discuss something the other person is doing that may be bothering you. Just communicate nicely.

            Another Angle:

            Don’t say anything. There is always more than one right way to do most things; and realize that imperfections of others are too beautiful to try and change.

8. Don’t stop cooking for eachother.

            When you are dating you typically cook for that person to show them you care, and that you are a good home maker and able to take care of them forever (or if you are a guy you are trying to woo her and impress her). Keep that love and devotion alive; don’t start brining in take-out or throwing chimichangas in the microwave. First of all eating out is expensive, and the other is just unhealthy.

            Another Angle:

            Make cooking a priority, do it as a couple or as a family. Use it as time spent together, not a force of nature. And remember…meat in a can is NEVER awesome!

9. Don’t yell at your spouse.

            I’m not talking about angry yelling (although that’s not good either), I’m talking about lazy yelling. The kind you do when you don’t want to get your rear end off the couch, so you yell upstairs or into the kitchen to get their attention. But that sort of yelling sounds degrading and authoritative.

            Another Angle:

            Go find them to get what you needed from them, and while you’re there…give them a kiss to seal the deal.

10. No name calling.

            It doesn’t have to be words like “stupid” or “idiot” it can be words like “stubborn, impossible, or hard to deal with”. That too is name-calling. It is hurtful and can really cut people to the core. So weigh your words before you let them fly.

            Another Angle:

            “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Best rule in the world…could be why it’s the Golden Rule. If you ever get to the name calling point…here’s an idea….call a time-out, for as long as you need, regroup and come back to the conversation. And those new names had better be “super sexy” or “my hotness”…and guess what…”I’m sorry” works great too.

And this last one is mine...

11. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

            Don’t throw idle threats around. If you mean it, then say it; but if you are saying it for a “shock factor” your bluff just might get called. Don’t throw words around like “you’re crazy” or “divorce” or “you’re not who I married”. If you want a divorce then say it and do it…that is a very serious and heavy word; don’t say it if you don’t mean it. We all lose it sometimes, that’s to be expected; and sometimes we don’t like each other, also to be expected…but that doesn’t mean you want what you have built together to end.

            Another Angle:

            Tell them you aren’t happy with what just happened. Tell them you need to talk it out and hear both sides of the situation. But don’t threaten them with divorce unless you are willing to march your butt down to the lawyer’s office and file!!

A lot of this column is from my heart. The section headers are taken from those I found in the article, but the rest is from me. So understand I am not a psychologist, just a woman who has lived life; been in the trenches, and reached the highest mountain peaks all in the same lifetime, and survived to talk about it.